he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
