and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
