What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
