well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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