The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Is Oprah even human
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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