i wish there were pregnant emoticons
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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