I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
