my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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