I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
