My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
