you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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