sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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