I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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