im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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