just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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