god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
