I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
