Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My underwear smells like fireworks.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
