On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
