I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
