I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
