omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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