Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
As shirtless as possible
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
