Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
