Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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