You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
