I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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