You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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