that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You've changed since you got that strap on
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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