I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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