There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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