Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
