I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
