I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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