i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
