How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
