Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
