It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
