I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
