I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Randomize
