my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
