Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
