a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
