I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Your cock deserves a montage
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
