I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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