You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
