I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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