Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize