Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
