there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize