I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
