In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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