she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
