His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
