I think I died a long time ago.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
