booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
